What are some of the lamest excuses you've heard for not attending church?
"Oh, but I don't feel good this morning." (Boo hoo...How do you think GOD feels about you neglecting to worship Him?)
"Oh, but I'm too tired. I worked a lot of overtime this week." (Once again, BOO HOO! How tired do you think Jesus got carrying his cross up to the top of Calvary? But he still took it up there and died on it, didn't he?)
"Oh, but I'm eight months pregnant and feel bloated and sick." (Uh, yeah, okay. Mary walked all the way to the Inn when she was pregnant with Jesus and never complained a lick. And then she gave birth to him in a manger. And YOU are skipping church because you're "pregnant and don't feel good." Whatever.)
There are my favorite excuses. What are yours?
63 comments
Uh, yeah, okay. Mary walked all the way to the Inn when she was pregnant with Jesus and never complained a lick.
"How do you think GOD feels about you neglecting to worship Him?"
"How tired do you think Jesus got carrying his cross up to the top of Calvary? But he still took it up there and died on it, didn't he?"
"Mary walked all the way to the Inn when she was pregnant with Jesus and never complained a lick. And then she gave birth to him in a manger."
Actually, none of the above felt anything at all, because they never existed outside of the imagination of Christians who actually need excuses to get by in this world as opposed to some otherworldly Heaven.
I'm going to guess you have never been 8 months pregnant? Until you have been, you need keep quiet.
I'm typing this on a beautiful Sunday morning with a nice cup of coffee. I'm not in church and have no desire to be. No excuses. The reason I have is because it is a waste of time. I'd rather be home with my family.
Um, I'd much rather relax at home than spend half my day in nylons sitting on a hard bench listening to a long lecture that is either boring or maddening and hanging out with sanctimonious idiots like you. That "valid" enough for you, creep?
"Oh, but I don't feel good this morning."
"But I think I will go anyway in order to infect the pricks who think that this isn't an excuse."
"Oh, but I'm too tired. I worked a lot of overtime this week."
"Though, I guess that it doesn't matter. What better place is there to catch up on sleep than church?"
"Oh, but I'm eight months pregnant and feel bloated and sick."
"But maybe I'll be able to vomit on those uptight fundies in the front row. And if I give birth right then and there, maybe I could convince them that it was the Second Coming of Jesus. Too much fun to be had."
Also: Atlas bears the weight of the world on his shoulders. How do you think Atlas feels when people whine about being ill, overworked, and/or pregnant? Huh? Jesus was wimp too, just having to carry a piece of wood, and dangle from it for a day. And he couldn't even handle that. Truly pathetic.
Mary walked all the way to the Inn
It may say she walked in some kindergarten Bible story book, but where in the Bible does it say that? It's about 75-80 miles from Galilee to Bethlehem.
i'm heading out to our blueberry orchard but the main reason I'm not in your type of church is because I'm on fstdt.
Got to be Poe, or at least not true fundie-
They picked "if people don't want to go to church, they don't have to. It's really none of your business." as the best answer. There's no way in any of the nine hells that a true fundie would accept anything as being none of their business.
Mine is "Says in the bible that you don't have to go to a temple to worship".
That it's mostly hypocrites like you that come up with this sort of bullshit, especially the biblical rewrite. Mary rode into Bethlehem on a donkey.
"How tired do you think Jesus got carrying his cross up to the top of Calvary? But he still took it up there and died on it, didn't he?
Yup ... nothing like a good old Roman centurion and his vine stick to inspire the troops, they sure did know how to maintain order, frankly, no one else could.
Crucifixion! you lucky bastards!!
My excuses? I don't believe in religion. I believe Jesus was just a regular person. I am against the church taking advantage of people, as they often do. Also, I don't believe Mary was a virgin, but I seem to recall her riding an ass in all the versions of the story I've heard. How do you know she didn't complain? Were you there?
" ... How do you think GOD feels about you neglecting to worship Him? ..."
Why, I'll bet he's just crying his eyes out, poor old thing. Isn't that what any all-powerful creator of everything that is would do?
P.S.: Does it make you sad and/or angry that the bacteria that live in your gut don't worship you?
"I have terminal cancer and I can't leave the hospital in case something bad happens"
"I go to church Saturdays, I was just there"
"Isn't today Wednesday?"
"How the fuck did you get in my house?"
Jesus carrying the cross up the hill
Jesus : "Fuckin' hell, this piece of shit's fuckin' heavy. Fuck, this is total bullshit, they're going to fucking nail me to this thing AND I have to carry it. Total bullshit. Fuck you dad, fuck you very much."
I'm just saying, Jesus carrying his cross to the top of the hill is pretty hard work. But that was only a few hours. Working extra shifts over the week is a lot more work. What if they work in construction or something and had to carry even heavier loads?
If someone is sick, the courteous thing to do is NOT go to church so you don't infect everyone else.
If someone is pregnant, give them a break. If they push themselves they could hurt the baby. Besides you don't want them exposed to the overtired, infectious shift workers at church.
Godbuster wroteJesus : "Fuckin' hell, this piece of shit's fuckin' heavy.
> (Boo hoo...How do you think GOD feels about you neglecting to worship Him?)
I question the omnipotence of an allegedly omnipotent being that is capable of feeling suffering in such a perplexing scale.
> (Once again, BOO HOO! How tired do you think Jesus got carrying his cross up to the top of Calvary? But he still took it up there and died on it, didn't he?)
One day of agony for one man is an excuse to annoy a little millions of people every week for thousands of years, and beyond...
> (Uh, yeah, okay. Mary walked all the way to the Inn when she was pregnant with Jesus and never complained a lick. And then she gave birth to him in a manger. And YOU are skipping church because you're "pregnant and don't feel good." Whatever.)
Okay, a question: what part of the Bible says that Mary didn't complain at all?
Using imaginary suffering to ridicule real suffering. Yup, it's a fundie.
@Old Viking: Comfortable shoes FTW!
Hmm, by the way, didn't the good Samaritan carry the cross for poor old Jezus for a bit ?
So stop whining, Brian (and the 139 others) had to carry the cross all te way.
I'm too busy sodomising the goat, and the sheep are getting jealous.
My brainwashing has been cured.
I'm following Jesus example by NEVER going into a Church.
I'll be along as soon as I can start the bulldozer.
"I had a nasty accident whith an axe yesterday. I thought it was going to rip my penis off, but it only cut my foreskin. I took it as a sign, and converted to judaism. That, and I just got released from the hospital."
"bin Laden will kill me if I do."
"I did go every sunday my last life, and look what I got reincarnated as!"
"Well, as soon as my hand touch the church-door, a thunderbolt will chrash down and burn me to ashes. I'll be there next sunday if I get some good gloves this week."
(Boo hoo...How do you think GOD feels about you neglecting to worship Him?)
(Once again, BOO HOO! How tired do you think Jesus got carrying his cross up to the top of Calvary? But he still took it up there and died on it, didn't he?)
(Uh, yeah, okay. Mary walked all the way to the Inn when she was pregnant with Jesus and never complained a lick. And then she gave birth to him in a manger. And YOU are skipping church because you're "pregnant and don't feel good." Whatever.)
How tired do you think Jesus got carrying his cross up to the top of Calvary? But he still took it up there and died on it, didn't he?
It was okay for him, he didn't have to walk back down. In the heat.
My excuse is that going to church is fucking waste of time. Sitting there with the brainwashed masses. You are all fucked up.
For such an omnipotent god...I'm amazed that I can hurt his feelings so bad by not worshipping him. What a fucking douchebag this guy is.
[God stands up on a cloud, looking down and wringing his hands]
God: Oh, I hope they come over. Wait..why didn't that guy come? Doesn't he like me? What did I do wrong? Oh Me, where's the ice cream? It's going to be another one of THOSE Sundays.
[God runs off sobbing]
Mine are -
"Oh, but Jesus is just a sum amalgamation of past polytheistic demi-gods that people no longer worship." (uh yeah, okay..Bachus got crucified too, but is he still worshipped today? NO! Get your ass in church!)
"Oh, but Im tired of my priest anally raping me every sunday after mass." (BOO fucking HOO..how do you think god feels about you depriving him of a good peep show?!?")
"Oh, but the followers of my church are all fakes and I cant stand to be around their holier than thou attitudes." (Once again, BOO HOO. How do you think they feel when compared to the ego of Jesus who DEMANDS to be worshipped? Get your Hell bound ass into church!)
"I'm going Scuba diving instead. Could your Jesus do that?"
"I'm going to stay in bed and have a wank instead"
"My church says that you are a heretic who will burn in the deepest fires of hell...Mwahhhh ha ha ha ha"
"I've got no money, lend me a couple of thou till the rapture, will ya buddy?"
"Fuck you, fuck Jesus and fuck the donkey he rode in on"
My favorite is "But why should I go, when nobody else goes?".
I don't know what they mean with regularly, though. When I was in school, I went to church every Christmas and every graduation day for 12 years. That could be counted as regularly, right? 2002 and 2003 I went to six funerals. (Throughout my life, I've been to ten funerals, so far.)
I had go google Calvary. I only know it as Golgotha.
Didn't Mary ride on a donkey, and she gave birth in the animal part of the house, and laid him in a manger. You do know that they all shared the same space, right? The humans lived on a raised platform in the center of the tent/building/cave and the animals lived around the platform.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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