"You and your husband need to pray and seek the Lord about this. Does your sex life honor Jesus? Remember, everytime you and your husband have sex, Jesus is there. Is He pleased by how you have sex?"
109 comments
If there was ever a quote that needed to win a "Big Brother Jesus" award, this is it.
There needs to be that award, for the sole purpose of giving it to this one.
More importantly, does he call out "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God." when you fuck him up the ass and ask him "Who's your daddy?"
... Now I'm just picturing Jesus sitting in the corner crying while two ugly people have sex.
Jesus: Dammit dad, why do I have to watch this shit? *cries*
When I was going through confirmation in my Lutheran church, Pastor Larson told the same thing to us (a ton of H.S. kids). He spoke of how they call out to jesus before sexual activities, to invite him into the bed with them. Needless to say, the church was gripped in nervous laughter from most, raucous laughter from my friends and I. Of course I set into a bunch of menage-a-trois scenarios with Pastor Larson’s wife the meat in a “Jim & Jesus Sandwich”.
I suppose it has to do with the idea of glorifying god in everything you do. Or everyONE you do. For a religion who’s god doesn’t do anything meaningful or helpful that anyone can tell, he sure has a great fascination with sexual organs and sex. Despite the fact that he must’ve made Adam without genitals (testicles at least) since he didn’t entertain the idea of a “help-mate” for him until after the fact. Once he put all the pieces in place however, then nudity was sinful and shameful and sex had to be slathered in 1984-type laws. If god is so sexually frustrated, maybe he should make himself a divine blow-up doll so he can get his rocks off. Of course, if he made Adam in his image, then he doesn’t have genitals either.
I always suspected Jesus was a perv. I guess it comes from the broken home he was raised in after his dad knocked up another man's wife!
You mean after he knocked up his own mother, thereby becoming his own father and son.
I always suspected Jesus was a perv. I guess it comes from the broken home he was raised in after his dad knocked up another man's wife!
You mean after he knocked up his own mother, thereby becoming his own father and son.
The thread must be a joke. I mean, look at the first post:
"I've heard that the only acceptable position is missionary, the male on top. I've also heard that He disproves of things in the line of BD and the like, and I'm a bit worried."
<i>Ceiling Jesus is watching you masturbate.</i>
He comes in cat form!
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Seriously...I always knew Jesus was into porn. So since he's a voyeur and into porn shouldn't xtians support the porn industry? Awesome!
I'm amazed there's a whole MB just about Christian marriage sex?! I guess I shouldn't be... it's just ... kinda gross ... also, my husband wouldn't like if I invited Jesus, the mexican landscaper who mowes the lawn in the apartment complex - I actually think he'd be pretty pissed ...
and to the lady who started this topic - go and read this, it shoudl be kinky enough http://christiandomesticdiscipline.com/
Remember, everytime you and your husband have sex, Jesus is there.
Just make sure he doesn't have a video camera with him, or you could end up on the Internet like Paris or Tommy and Pamela.
What a perv, that Peeping Jesus,
Drooling when I whip it out.
Wants a shout-out when I hit it,
I'm afriad to kick him out.
My wife thinks I am a-cheating,
With the Latin garden-boy;
Peeping Jesus is a burden,
not a sinful bedroom toy.
(panted to the tune of What a Friend we have in Jesus)
Oh My God!
Would Jesus eat pussy?
Would Jesus suck dick?
Would Jesus fuck a woman or a man up the ass?
Would Jesus enjoy bondage? sadism? masochism?
How the hell does one's sex life honor Jesus?
The mind boggles.
Just for the record. Jesus is the Lord and watches everybody making love, according to these people. Ok, at the moment I'm writting this, and bearing in mind that we're 6000 million people in the world, and the different hours in our planet, there are like, at least 118 million couples making love. Now, how do you solve this problem?.
Julian: so you're saying he lives for the moneyshot huh?
He oughta go check out those bukkake films then, maybe he'll leave the rest of us alone!
Would Jesus enjoy bondage? sadism? masochism?
Drunk and Bitter Jesus does :P
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And while Aryan Jesus is all for missionary position sex for the purpose of procreation, he doesn't detest dickgirls
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As for Jihad Jesus...
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I thought everybody's sex life honored Jesus.
Why do you think they all scream "Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!" just before climax?
"Remember, everytime you and your husband have sex, Jesus is there"
Menage a trois for the Lord! Saviour Sandwich! Three-way with the Trinity! 696! Jesus is Bi!
Kinky.
I like to imagine that, since the Christian god is omni-present, Jesus is actually the bed in this situation. Or maybe he's like Beetlejuice, and he shows up whenever people call his name three times.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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