Change The Quantum Matrix in your home
Important note: When praying to change the quantum matrix, all members of a family should be holding hands or be in physical contact with one another. The head of the household prays and the other members should pray in agreement.
Father in heaven, In the name of The Lord Jesus Christ I ask you to change the quantum matrix in this sealed off house, and within striking distance of this sealed off house across all space time continuums, all dimensions, all time lines, all universes, all frequency domains, across all bubbles in the omniverse, across all planes of existence and across all the quantum matrix so that:
The enemy’s jump gate technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s fractal jump gate technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s living machine jump gate technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s fractal living machine jump gate technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s time travel technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s fractal time travel technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s living machine time travel technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s fractal living machine time travel technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s transporter technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s fractal transporter technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s living machine transporter technology will not function in this sealed off house.
The enemy’s fractal living machine transporter technology will not function in this sealed off house.
Michael Relfe, Educate Yourself 35 Comments
[5/1/2012 3:20:47 AM]
Fundie Index: 26
Submitted By: zipperback
You forgot the enemy's undead machine technology and magical jump gates.
Also, Stargate was not a documentary and you are a raving loon.
5/1/2012 4:02:07 AM
What, you think they're going to build this shit in your linen closet? Even if they don't need to put a big-ass machine inside first, why the hell would they need or want to Transmat into your fucking house? Do you live in Fort Goddamn Knox? I'm sorry guys, this one just confuses the hell out of me. What kind of defenses do you have that people powerful enough to build a fucking Tardis can't break in? Why would they spend billions of dollars just to get inside your house? What the fuck is in there?!
5/1/2012 4:08:53 AM
The decades of stinting on mental health are coming home to roost.
5/1/2012 4:28:35 AM
Percy Q. Shunn
5/1/2012 4:33:33 AM
It's not that they think Stargate was a documentary. It's that Roland Emmerich got the concept of a stargate from people like this guy. If you haven't noticed, Emmerich is pretty fond of appropriating woo for his movies.
5/1/2012 6:39:12 AM
I've often said that conspiracy theories and religions have a lot in common, but to be truly crazy, mix in religion with your conspiracy theory.
@Catgirl_Fetish: It's always the most crazy, paranoid loons who think the aliens/demons/CIA/other government agencies are out to get them, when in reality aside from being crazy there's absolutely nothing interesting about them at all. I think it's just a way they make themselves feel special.
5/1/2012 7:00:16 AM
This is the finest example of crank magnetism I have ever seen.
5/1/2012 7:09:03 AM
Double post. My computer hates me for some reason.
5/1/2012 7:10:01 AM
Raised by Horses
Activate the Stabilized Electromagnetic Particle Launcher!
Increase the energy output of the Dual Magnetomic Intensification Compensator!
Release the Volatile Infinity-Principle Node!
Strike up the Dual Confinement Quantum Field Booster!
Tweak the Variable Uncertainty Cube!
Courtesy of Relfe's source
5/1/2012 7:34:16 AM
It's okay. The trans-singularity anti-proton-based slipstream technology will still work. And, if Michael finds a way around that, we can just use the tunnel we dug into his basement. Nobody ever thinks of the low-tech solutions.
5/1/2012 8:59:12 AM
So, if I have a machine that can travel in space and time, I can be kept out by... you mumbling to yourself?
Shit, if only the Daleks had known this!
5/1/2012 9:15:36 AM
ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!!!?!!
5/1/2012 11:27:21 AM
Seriously, an organisation with that much power could Blue Rinse the entire goddamn house and take every fucking thing inside, then make sure not one person realizes.
5/1/2012 11:33:35 AM
Hallowed are the Ori.
5/1/2012 4:06:07 PM
The enemy may have to resort to knocking on the front door....
5/1/2012 8:20:02 PM
Hi. I just warped outside of your house and i am about to get in with an armored exoskeleton.
5/1/2012 9:32:42 PM
No, he doesn't, but he's completely fluent in Technobabble.
5/2/2012 11:04:48 AM
Dude even your Father in Heaven doesn't know what the hell you're talking about.
5/2/2012 1:29:55 PM
"While compiling the update for this article I came under attack and became so heated that it was necessary to actually remove my shirt and pants to keep from "cooking". When they "beam" at you it is quite unplesant."
Well that explains the hot flashes. Aliens are responsible for menopause, who knew?
5/2/2012 1:38:58 PM
Hmm, this sounds almost... HERETICAL. PURGE THE HERETICS. DESTROY THE TRAITORS. PURGE THE UNCLEAN...
5/2/2012 1:45:48 PM
I'm never going to understand why these prayers always seem to need long, highly specific lists of things to be protected from. Would God just not be able to figure out "Please keep me safe from bad stuff"?
5/2/2012 5:56:00 PM
Well, at least the guy's being thorough. That said, what in the fuck of fuck is a quantum matrix?
Also, aren't fractals the trippy coloured pictures you can tell your computer to make? How do they figure into jump gate/time travel/transporter technology?
5/3/2012 7:14:45 AM
This almost sounds like a Scientology audit. Why does it sound like a Scientology audit?
5/3/2012 10:08:10 AM
You'd think that the prayer would include a few lines for more standard defenses. "The enemy’s shotgun technology will not function in this sealed off house" and "The enemy’s Nintendo DS technology will not function in this sealed off house" seem to be missing.
5/3/2012 3:59:24 PM
5/4/2012 2:51:31 PM