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Quote# 86879

[Post title: "Why God wants us to wait until marriage for sex"]

“Wait until marriage”. If you grew up in the church, you heard that ad infinitum. At every youth retreat. At every youth group activity. It was drilled into us.
Yet few of us did it. In the surveys I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that only about 40% of Christians were virgins on their wedding night. That means that 60% weren’t. And from their responses to the surveys, and from emails I get, it can have profound consequences on your sex life within marriage.

[...]

1. Sex Has A Different Meaning
Here’s the central issue: sex within marriage and sex outside of marriage are two very different things. Within marriage, sex is the combination of a spiritual, emotional, and physical union. It’s everything we are, because we’re committed to one another, and it’s expressing the sum total of that commitment. Outside of marriage, though, sex is primarily physical. It isn’t a spiritual union in the same way because there isn’t real commitment present–even if you are engaged. And so sex takes on a flavor that it really wasn’t intended to have.

[...]

2. Sex Feels Dirty
The other extremely common problem is that sex feels like it’s somehow wrong. When you have sex before you’re married, you know you’re not really supposed to. And so it’s something forbidden. Then, when you do get married, you feel as if you’re always getting second best. It would be so much better if we had waited. And, if you have any sexual problems or sexual issues, you start to feel like it’s all because you had sex beforehand. It would be bliss and we wouldn’t have all these problems if we had waited.

[...]

3. Sex Just Isn’t Good
When you have sex before you’re married, chances are it wasn’t a long, drawn out affair. There likely weren’t candles and flowers and lots of romance, the way you may picture your honeymoon or romantic interludes after you’re married. It was likely rather quick. It wasn’t necessarily something planned; it was something that “just happened”.

But if you both have experienced sex primarily in that way–when it is rushed, and hurried, then it likely became far more for him than it is for you. After all, for women to feel good, we tend to need a lot more time and care. It doesn’t really go well with the whole “getting carried away in the moment” thing.

[...]

4. Sex is No Longer Exciting
One last problem that many people encounter: sex is no longer exciting. I received an email from a man recently who said this:

"Before we were married, my wife (then fiancee) had sex with me all the time. She loved sex! We had a great physical life. Then we got married and it slowly stopped, to the point now where she has completely shut off. I feel as if she sucked me in under false pretences. She was saying, “look how great it’s going to be”, and then she turned into a cold fish. She lied to me!"

I understand the man’s comment, but I have to admit that I was a little perturbed. The man was a Christian, and he was saying that all of this was his wife’s fault, because she advertised something to him that she didn’t then follow through with.

However, sin is exciting. The forbidden has an allure. And so before you’re married, sometimes sex is very exciting. Then you get married, and it’s no longer forbidden. And you start to feel guilty for what you did. So you can begin to shut down.

Sheila Wray Gregoire, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum 42 Comments [4/13/2012 2:24:47 PM]
Fundie Index: 52
Submitted By: Matty-chan
WTF?! || meh
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#1392365
Argle Bargle

She's so repressed that it's not even funny.

4/14/2012 5:53:48 AM
#1392377
Robespierre

"I found that only about 40% of Christians were virgins on their wedding night. That means that 60% weren’t"

No, that means that most of the 40% lied to you.

4/14/2012 6:49:55 AM
#1392382
Dr.Shrinker

Regarding your case example in # 4, isn't it remotely possible that there is something else going on?

Perhaps this good Christian man expects her to do all the work around the house, including caring for all the children your god has granted them, while he reclines on his living room throne every night. Maybe she is just too tired for sex.

Or, perhaps he led her to believe that they would have an equal relationship. Then, once they were married he put a stop to that silly idea, informing her that she would now have to do her godly duty and submit graciously unto him. Maybe he has become such a jerk that he is no longer attractive to her.

Or, perhaps she is trying to make ends met and he keeps spending their money on himself. When she tries to explain the state of their finances to him, he shushes her and patronizingly says, "God will provide." Maybe she is too worried and frustrated to think about sex.

I know this goes against your instincts Shelia, but maybe, just maybe, the situation is more complex than superficial appearances and divine inspiration are leading you to believe.

4/14/2012 6:57:58 AM
#1392386
Swede

Speak for yourself!

1. Sex within marriage and outside feels the same, and it's just as physical. Sex with my fiancée did not change when he became my husband.

2. Sex is just as dirty as you make it. If you have NOT been brainwashed to believe that sex outside marriage is bad, then you simply don't feel that it is bad outside marriage. What if you wait and find you are not compatible in the sack?

3. Sex outside marriage was a long drawn-out affair, it went on for ten years. There were romance and flowers and candles. There were both tender love-making and rushed sex. Nothing really changed when we got married. There's still romance and flowers and candles occasionally. Sometimes it's rushed and sometimes it's slow.

4. If you don't work on it, sex might get a bit routine after a few years, whether you're married or not. It's the years and the lack of spicing it up that makes it non-exiting, not the ring and the "I do", stupid.

Again; if you haven't been brainwashed into thinking sex is a sin, sex is forbidden, then it will neither be alluring nor exiting due to being forbidden, a sin. It will be alluring and exiting because it is sex. You will also not feel guilty, because you have done nothing wrong.

You Christians really like circular arguments, don't you?

4/14/2012 7:21:44 AM
#1392435
Doubting Thomas

I found that only about 40% of Christians were virgins on their wedding night.

And I'm willing to bet that 99% of those were lying.

Sex Feels Dirty

Only when you Christians demonizing it and trying to make everyone in the world feel guilty for enjoying it.

Sex Just Isn’t Good

That's why practice makes perfect. You actually think that two fumbling virgins on their wedding night are going to have a great night of sex?

Sex is No Longer Exciting

Maybe if you'd try something besides missionary position every time and mixed it up a bit, you might get a bit more enjoyment.

4/14/2012 10:20:24 AM
#1392436
\m/>_<\m/

fun comments and rebuttals, all. but no one took a gander at the forum title? here it is:

To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

i lol even harder now.


4/14/2012 10:21:52 AM
#1392444
JSS

1. Sex Has A Different Meaning
It can have a 'different meaning' outside marriage too. Who's to say that a couple cannot engage in a physical, spiritual and emotional union without a legal document or so-called spiritual ceremony indicating so? Everyone has different beliefs and backgrounds. Different things can work for different people.

2. Sex Feels Dirty
This is just circular reasoning. You tell kids sex without marriage is dirty, and they feel such only because you told them it's dirty. You're citing a side effect of your own teaching of something as bad, as to why it is in fact bad.

3. Sex Just Isn’t Good
You assume every sexual relation outside of marriage was simply 'sudden' and not at the ready of both persons involved. Again, you don't necessarily need a piece of paper or a lavish ceremony to verify your relationship as ready for intimacy.

4. Sex is No Longer Exciting
Your rationale for this reason sounds more like a reason not to get married. Stamping 'sin' and 'forbidden' onto ideas that might just sound like good ones is not enough to prove that they are in fact bad ones. You need appropriate rationale justifying this to sway any critical thinker.

4/14/2012 10:44:30 AM
#1392445
Teek the Kitsune

"and he was saying that all of this was his wife’s fault, because she advertised something to him that she didn’t then follow through with."

this guy sounds like an asshole! he doesn't deserve a woman! women don't advetise themselves to men!!

4/14/2012 10:46:35 AM
#1392460
Skyknight

I don't get it. Why are so many of you claiming that no more than 10% of the Christian respondents could have been able to shelve their hormones? I don't see how hormones are THAT powerful, when being able to choose otherwise is part and parcel of sapience/free-will/abstraction/term-of-your-choice...

(I know I don't get the implicit prominence of hedonism. Syllogism that proves sanctity of hedonism not detected...)

4/14/2012 11:23:29 AM
#1392465
lisamariefan

I think this would be funny if I didn't find it so pathetic.

4/14/2012 11:40:30 AM
#1392486
Ebon

1) Hard statistics says that most of that 40% is lying.
2) Why do all fundies seem to have such dull sex lives?

4/14/2012 12:39:24 PM
#1392501
Old Viking

... only about 40% of Christians were virgins on their wedding night. That means that 60% weren't.

You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to get ahead of these people.

4/14/2012 1:20:24 PM
#1392576


"To Love, Honor, and Vacuum"

You've got to be kidding! Way to denigrate yourself, lady.

4/14/2012 4:34:59 PM
#1392581
aaa

You are terrible at sex.

4/14/2012 5:04:32 PM
#1392690
farpadokly

1. Nah, not really. In both cases, it's physical.
2. The reason it feels "wrong" and "bad" is because of centuries of Christian anti-sex propaganda. It sounds to me like all that "spiritual" matrimonial sex is getting boring, and you miss the good old sinful sex of your younger days.
3. Again, problems in the bedroom? Hubby coming too quickly?
4. Illustrates the problems with monogamy and marriage beautifully.
By the way, click through and read her solution to this problem. It basically amounts to saying "You shouldn't be enjoying sex anyway. You only think you should because you fucked before marriage".

4/15/2012 4:15:41 AM
#1393563
fdsasdf

This is sad on so many levels. However, I think statistics from a survey here are relevant: First is that the majority of born again Christians don't consider anything less than vaginal or anal intercourse to be sex. So, I could see her 40% statistic with such a narrow definition. Second, is the finding that most virgin BACs believe that they will have better sex than non-virgins by waiting until marriage. Talk about adding pressure to what will already be a tense situation; they overthink this rather than just going with the flow and riding the lightning.

4/17/2012 11:51:57 AM
#1393715
Night Jaguar

"Why God wants us to wait until marriage for sex"

Him and Mary weren't married when He knocked her up.

4/17/2012 8:21:15 PM
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