These new commandments must be obeyed, and those who flout them will receive the most severe and unyielding punishments, including censure, excommunication, (say, from graduate counseling programs), and fines in the forms of legal fees to the secular imams at the ACLU.
Here, then, are the Ten Commandments of secular Sharia:
1. “Government, not Yahweh, is God.” Secular fundamentalists want us to look to government for everything we we [sic] were once taught to look for from God. Government is all knowing, all powerful, all wise, all caring. You know, all the things God used to be.
2. “You shall have no gods, period.” The goal of secular fundamentalists is the extermination of any and all mentions of God and Christ in the public arena. The only exceptions to the “no god” rule will be for Gaia and Allah. Gaia is to be worshiped, and any blasphemy against her, by plundering her for such things as the fuel on which the world runs, will be met with the severest punishment and condemnation.
3. “You shall not take the name of the homosexual agenda or Islam in vain.” If you do, we will land on you like a falling safe. Profanity, blasphemy, vulgarity, obscenity, pornography, all are fine. Criticize homosexual conduct, on the other hand, and we will cause the wrath of our god to descend upon you as a consuming fire. You will be silenced, marginalized and treated as a leper. We secularists have freedom of speech but you cretinous conservatives do not. If you have a problem with sexually deviant behavior, you are by definition a homophobic hatemonger and we don’t have to listen to you.
4. “Observe Halloween, Labor Day and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as holy days. Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving, on the other hand, must be wiped off school calendars as if they never existed.”
5. “Honor your father and mother - by which we mean liberal politicians, since they have turned government into your mommy and your daddy.” No husband, no problem: government will be the head of your home. No father, no problem: government will be your provider and raise your children for you.
6. “You shall not murder - unless it’s a defenseless baby in the womb.”
7. “You shall not commit adultery - unless it’s with another man’s wife. Fornication and sodomy without repercussions and penalty are okay too. And we’re working on polygamy and pedophilia.” Anyone who disagrees, and says anything remotely critical of such behaviors, will be subject to the wrath of the holy and righteous prophets of secular Sharia in the out-of-the-mainstream media, who will call down fire and brimstone on those who dare to challenge the sexual orthodoxy of leftist libertines.
8. “You shall not steal - unless it’s to plunder from the producers what they have earned to give to the non-producers what they have not earned.” Anyone who complains about this involuntary transfer of wealth will be judged by the secular mullahs as evil, greedy capitalists and silenced. Right after they have been ripped off.
9. “You shall not bear false witness - unless it is to tell blatant lies about the Constitution, American history, the economy, unemployment figures and drilling for oil.” As long as you are lying to advance the power and reach of government, or get a leftist politician reelected, it’s okay. Secularists have their own version of taqqiya, just like the Muslims do.
10. “You shall not covet anything - as long as it belongs to people who are poorer than you. If they have more money than you, they are evil oppressors who must be plundered of their ill-gotten wealth by our government overlords so it can be redistributed to the lazy, shiftless and irresponsible.”
Bryan Fischer, Rightly Concerned 68 Comments
[4/5/2012 3:03:11 AM]
Fundie Index: 81
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It's saddening that fundies are incapable to imagine NOT having a god, a master or a religion. And puzzling that when they describe something they oppose as religion, god or worship, they mean them as insults.
4/5/2012 3:27:51 AM
This is such a triple helping of word salad without dressing... he threw just about everything in there he's pissed about, did he? Nevermind the contradictions left and right. Agh. Where's my aspirin?
4/5/2012 3:41:07 AM
The stupid is strong in this one!
4/5/2012 3:59:59 AM
One small bit of stupidity in the midst of that worth going into - why the fuck do so many of these people think Thanksgiving is in any way religious?
4/5/2012 4:14:51 AM
Why do they always mix secularism and islam? Those two things are mutually exclusive.
4/5/2012 4:15:47 AM
TL;DR version: "Harbida derpderp whaarrrbarrrrgllle!"
4/5/2012 4:20:55 AM
Bryan Fischer is currently in a maximum security cell for having broken all ten of the Secular Sharia commandments.
Whaddya mean, he's still at large and broadcasting on TV? He's oppressed, I tell you!
4/5/2012 4:22:23 AM
1 and 2 being mutually exclusive notwithstanding I guess. Maybe he's trying to tell us that the ACLU is filled with anarchists in denial.
Christmas and Easter can go away, I couldn't care less. But Thanksgiving isn't really a religious event. Anyone who wants to dispute that can kindly show me the the Bible passage that references Pilgrims, Indians and corn? Hell, even mention of corn would be impressive.
Overall, why the hell does this idiot believe that liberal=Shariah advocate. I'd call myself a liberal, and any fuckwit who proposed this should have their "not stupid" card revoked. Just as equally as for the fuckwit who displays the 10 commandments inn a government building.
4/5/2012 4:36:20 AM
1. You don't know what Sharia is. It has no ten commandments. It is a set of Muslim laws.
2. Secularists don't want Sharia anymore than your mega-conservative Christian theocracy. So sit down and shut up until you fix your brain. I suggest a psychiatrist.
4/5/2012 4:44:12 AM
Filin De Blanc
Right-wingers really want to get in a pissing contest over which side is guilty of the most sexual sins? Really?
4/5/2012 5:09:38 AM
"Secular Sharia"? Clearly Bryan Fischer has gone off the deep end. All he needs to do now is profess belief in Traditionalist Catholicism, and he would fit right in to the 19th-century French reactionary scene.
4/5/2012 5:38:40 AM
These new commandments must be obeyed, and those who flout them will receive the most severe and unyielding punishments, including censure, excommunication, (say, from graduate counseling programs), and fines in the forms of legal fees to the teabagger imams at Faux News.
Here, then, are the Ten Commandments of christianist teabag Sharia:
1 My god, not anyone elses god is government. I'm going to apply my name to a group that has nothing to do with me hoping my bad reputation will rub off on them.
2 You shall worship my god not any other god. The goal of christian fundamentalists is to associate Americans with their own crimes, hoping those crime will not be so bad if everyone is committing them. The only exceptions to the "mandatory god worship" rule will be for Gaia and Allah. Gaia is to be condemned, and any mention of her, by using her as a metaphor for a homeostasis seeking system of living organisms will be met with the severest punishment and condemnation.
3 You shall not take the name of my religion in vain. If you do we will land on you like a falling safe. Child molesting, assault and battery, vulgarity and fraud are all fine, unless fundies of some other religion does it. Criticize our conduct, on the other hand, and we will cause the wrath of our god to descend upon you as a consuming fire. You will be silenced, marginalized and treated as a leper.We christianists have freedom of speech but you cretinous muslim atheists do not. If you have a problem with unamerican behavior, you are by definition a liberal hatemonger and we don’t have to listen to you.
4 Observe all our religious celebrations that we stole from pagans as national holidays. Other religious holidays must be wiped off school calendars as if they never existed.
4/5/2012 6:03:39 AM
5 Honor your father and mother - by which we mean your pastor, since you have turned your pastor into your mommy and your daddy, unless your pastor does not preach our religion, in which case you must denounce him as an atheist muslim.
6 You shall not murder - unless your victim has already been born.
7 You shall not commit adultery - only I can do that, because I am called by (the real) God, so I am forgiven for anything I do that might be wrong, although I can do no wrong. And we’re working on polygamy and pedophilia.” Anyone who disagrees, and says anything remotely critical of such behaviors, will be subject to the wrath of the holy and righteous prophets of christian Sharia in the lamestream media, who will call down fire and brimstone on those who dare to challenge the double standard orthodoxy of the rightist reich .
8 “You shall not steal - unless it’s to plunder from the producers what they have earned to give to the non-producers what they have not earned.” Anyone who complains about this involuntary transfer of wealth from the middle class to the zillionairs will be judged by the christian mullahs as evil, socialist muslims and silenced. Right after they have been ripped off.
9 You shall not bear false witness - unless it is to tell blatant lies about the Constitution, American history, the economy, unemployment figures and drilling for oil.” As long as you are lying to advance the power and reach of corporations, or get a teabag politician reelected, it’s okay. Christianists have their own version of taqqiya, just like the Muslims do
10. You shall not covet anything - as long as it belongs to people who are richer than you. If they have less money than you, they are lazy bastards who don't deserve what little they have, (and probably got it by commiting food stamp fraud) and should be confiscated by our corporate overlords so it can be redistributed to the deserving fortune 500.”
4/5/2012 6:04:56 AM
>If you have a problem with sexually deviant behavior, you are by definition a homophobic hatemonger and we don’t have to listen to you.
Knowing that "sexually deviant behavior" is your code phrase for homosexuality, I can say that you got at least one thing right. We certainly don't have to listen to your bullshit.
4/5/2012 6:08:24 AM
1- People hate government and only tolerate it because the alternative of no regulation and anarchy is so much worse. But to claim that people think government is omniscient when politicians are routinely called idiots is to be completely unaware of reality.
2- I'd rather people didn't have gods but I'd never impose that and anyone who does is an idiot.
3- It's called freedom of expression, you fucker. And for the record, you can call gays whatever you like but you can't beat them, harass them, or take away their rights. You know, just like FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE!
4- This is just retarded. There is no ban on Christmas or mandate to celebrate Halloween. And what the hell is wrong with celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day?
5- Even this strawman is better than the Teaper stance of "let them (single mothers with children) die".
4/5/2012 6:19:48 AM
Oh, two can play this game. Look!
1. I am the Right-Wing Conservative Politician. Don't you dare to support the other guy. (Or, god forbid, that other Party. Never mind they're basically right-wing too.)
2. Don't use my name for internet memes. It wasn't funny. And it was offensive and rude. If I had it it my way, I'd revoke the freedom of speech just because you hurt my poor little feelings.
3. Honor the Sabbath, unless it's a good business move to keep stores open all week long.
4. Honor your mother and father, no need to care about anyone else, and not even the parents when the thought doesn't cross your mind.
5. Don't kill, except when it's a righteous execution of someone you don't like. Feel free to level their whole country while you're at it. Don't kill unborn babies, thought, wait until they're born first. We're arbitrary that way.
6. Don't commit adultery. This is best established by constantly redefining the term "adultery" to exclude whatever you are doing. Don't redefine "marriage", though, just keep changing the marriage law.
7. Don't steal. Just use all the legal loopholes in the book.
8. Never bear a false witness. Pros use white lies, careful omissions and handwaving. God bless the advance of rhetorical techniques since the goat-herding days!
9. Don't covet the other guy's house, etcetera. You have plenty of resources to just take it, after all, peacefully or not.
10. I can't make sense of this goddamn numbering. We can't number these rules commandments among the denominations, so here's a fucking placeholder. There. Ten commandments.
4/5/2012 6:22:40 AM
7- I don't know about adultery and pedophilia, let me ask Newt Gingrich and the Vatican.
8- First, not all rich people earned their money. Many have inherited it. Second, poor people need to eat too. What would you have them do, die? Oh, right, Teaper. I forgot.
9- Oh, so THAT'S why Teapers keep lying about the Constitution and revising history to suit their needs.
10- Capitalism doesn't work without coveting. If people don't want what their neighbor has then they are less likely to buy it.
4/5/2012 6:25:40 AM
I'd like to punch you in the dick.
4/5/2012 6:27:28 AM
The death throes of a 1950s that never was.
4/5/2012 6:28:46 AM
“You shall not bear false witness - unless it is to tell blatant lies about the Constitution, American history, the economy, unemployment figures and drilling for oil.”
Stolen right from the Republican handbook.
4/5/2012 6:39:29 AM
Hey, the Muslims are against homosexuality too, you know. >_>
4/5/2012 8:04:31 AM
Holy fuck. Of all your 10 points you failed at 11. Secular sharia is the first and all commandments are fail. This is one of the hardest fails I've ever seen. Bryan's best hope is being a troll or poe.
4/5/2012 8:18:14 AM
1. Well it's certainly done a lot more for us lately than God has, it's not a good god by any means but it beats your awful god any day.
2. Who even says Gaia any more? Last time I've heard that in 10 years was in references to Captain Planet. Environmentalists tend to be people who recognise obvious truths about resource management.
3. One day, when Islam and Sharia law are actually a real threat to democracy in Western nations, there will be the opportunity for more harsh words on the subject.
4. Nobody outside the USA cares about any of those. Everyone just wants a few set days off every year really, doesn't matter what they are for to most.
5. God forbid children who lose one or both parents should find society ready to support them.
6. Haha fool, murder requires intent, abortion doctors, not believing a baby to be alive, can not be said to be intentionally ending a life even if you define a foetus as such. That's manslaughter at best. Lawyered.
7. Without repercussions? Scorned lovers and divorce aren't consequence enough? Fornication presents its own minefields of hazards. Oh and the "fire and brimstone" is reasoned words, arguments and condemnations, the horror.
8. Oh now this is what shits me. LABOURERS ARE THE REAL PRODUCERS NOT THE INVESTORS WHO BACK THEM NOR THE MANAGERS THAT CONTROL THEM! Capitalists and Landowners (which typify the rich in our society) are unproductive people, that isn't necessarily bad. But don't you for a second say that taxes redistributing from them to workers on wages doing the real, actual WORK is unfair. Not to mention the problem of mass production needing a mass market to sell to which doesn't exist when you let money pile up with landowners and investors.
9. Epic projection.
10. Even lazy, shiftless and irresponsible people deserve some food and a basic living income, or would you have them die for this?
4/5/2012 8:46:26 AM
This says more about you than secularists. You're just scared because you think if they ran everything they'd do what you so badly want to do - create a fundamentalist theocracy.
Also "There aren't enough jobs, and certainly not enough paying 100K+ per annum - I guess I'll have to be a store clerk, if I can even land that" doesn't exactly equate to being lazy and shiftless, you gigantic fuckbucket.
4/5/2012 9:21:51 AM
I very nearly gave up at "secular sharia".
I pressed onwards.
I wish I hadn't. Dear lord, what a bunch of stupidity.
4/5/2012 10:09:53 AM
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