Remember the best and most satisfying relationship is already available: Jesus! He will give you intimacy, warmth, and companionship you can only approximate with a human! He NEVER fails; something that's important to me right now.
95 comments
Ehm, I'm a guy and straight, so I'll just stick to my girlfriend, thanks. Besides, I thought you guys hated the ghey, so what's with this relationship with Jesus bit? Or are you only adressing women?
Remember the best and most satisfying relationship is already available: Imaginary Cosmic Best Friend! He will give you intimacy, warmth, and companionship you can only approximate with a REAL human! He NEVER fails; something that's important to me right now.
FIXED
Look, even if this whole Jesus thing was true and all, the relationship would be a bit one sided by normal human standards. Humans look for direct contact. With Jesus, you can talk to Him, and hope He's listening, but you don't know for sure, and He sure as hell won't keep up His end of the conversation. You can't touch Him, or be held by him, and anything more intimate is way out of the question...unless you go all Linda Blair as Regan on this, and that's just disturbing.
When you are terminally ill, does Jesus then: Drive you to the hospital, hold your hand, take care for you (including preparing meals, wash your body when you aren't able to do anymore, change your clothes), and stays at your side in your last hours?
I and my father did all of this to my mother when she got terminal cancer.
Jesus didn't do anything of this. Sure, because he is nothing but an imaginary figure.
Intimacy? Really?
He'll never rub your back, he'll never hold your hand, no kisses and all that.
A relationship that dosn't exist outside of your imagination.
Intimacy? My ass...
@#1237824
That's great and all, but last time I checked, you can't have sex with Jesus.
You mean you can't call out, "Oh, Jesus!" while masturbating? Hey, it makes as much sense as the rest of it does.
@jsonitsac
Believe me, Acts5:41 is as fundie as they come. All of her posts are about "handing out Jesus", and if her posts are to be believed, she pretty much spends every waling moment and every penny she has, on passing out bibles everywhere she goes.
Honey, I might suggest that you get a decent download connection and find something nice to fap to, and then buy a vibrator or something. It might not be very warm and good company, but at least it will be slightly less depressing for you.
He's been failing for the past couple thousand years, actually, something about returning to life in his follower's lifetimes, still waiting.
That's nice, but what if you're a lonely man? Can you have a gay relationship with Jesus? Is fucking Jesus better than fucking a woman? Does Jesus give good head? Actually, since he's supposedly a 2000 year old virgin, I think I'll stick with women.
Tough choice. Do I snuggle up to my wife, or to a bloke who's been dead for two millennia?
Mmmm, sorry. Jesus loses. Again.
I had to look up Acts 5:41 - "And they [the apostles] departed from the presence of the [Sanhedrin] council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name." (KJV)
In other words: Hurrah, we get to be disgraced! FOR JEEBUS!
You're a creepy little creep, Acts.
So, that's why some people want Jesus to come in them?
This isn't at all fundie though, just another aspect of some Christian religion beliefs/sayings that is easily open to double entandre making.
You know honestly this one's not that fundie. This is the kind of thing a normal Christian might say. The only thing that makes this quote fundie is that its from Rapture Ready.
The accidental "sexual innuendo" is pretty funny though I gotta admit.
Um, yeah, that's great if you like being celibate and all, but the rest of us have, you know, NEEDS.
@ feralboy12
> He NEVER fails; <
Macho J-man, always up for whatever.
He's a ding-dong daddy from Dumas, you ought to see him do his stuff ...
He's a ring-tailed roarer from Horton's Corner, you ought to see him strut ...
What? Mary Magdalene's on the computer (okay, so I dig Gnosticism & the idea of Jesus & The Magdalene being a couple)?! It's a nice sentiment when taken non-literally or as a delaration of a celibacy vow but c'mon...
...A Jesus Sex Doll? That's...uh...interesting.
Remember the best and most satisfying relationship is already available: Neptune!
Remember the best and most satisfying relationship is already available: Thor!
Remember the best and most satisfying relationship is already available: A unicorn!
Remember the best and most satisfying relationship is already available: Frodo Baggins!
You could put anything else supernatural/imaginary in there and it would still be the most ridiculously unsatisfying non-existant relationship ever.
I'll keep my real husband thanks.
He will give you intimacy, warmth, and companionship you can only approximate with a human!
That's ok - I'll settle for an approximation. One that I can see and feel, and actually exists in reality. I'm not greedy.
(Karana)
*shrugs* Well, if you're gonna go with someone fictional, you could do far worse than someone played by Elijah Wood, who is rather cute, after all.
So, it's not so much that you love Jesus, but you're in love with Jesus?
I would suggest, though, that if women on RR (or men for that matter) are looking for a future spouse they should drop the whole whacko religion thing because a lot of (read that most) people get seriously turned off by fundamentalist Christianity.
(emphasis added):
"Remember the best and most satisfying relationship is already available: Jesus! He will give you intimacy, warmth, and companionship you can only approximate with a human! "
If you're a female who's 'saved', fair enough. But what if you're male ?
I thought you fundies were supposed to be hyper -anti-gay? Ah, but then, Jesus hung around with twelve men (two of whom were sailors), wore a dress, never married a woman, and implored people to 'Love your fellow man. '
Show some consistency, please.
He will give you intimacy, warmth, and companionship you can only approximate with a human!
Gee ... all the benefits of a Labrador retriever without the vet bills or walking him in the rain.
Gee, I think I'll stick with my husband, who can actually drive me to the hospital after I've had an epileptic seizure.
I don't really care what's important to you right now; I want a man who can load and start the dishwasher, load and start the washing machine, and hang the clothes after, who can cook me a meal, and who can fix my computer when it's bothersome. Can Jesus do any of those things, Ms Acts?
You probably stay away from Twilight because it's occult. And you probably stay away from corners of the Internet besides Rapture Ready itself because there are bad nasty atheists there. So you have no idea how much contempt, disgust, and deep, primal, Cthulhu-fucking horror the following statement actually contains for you:
I have seen saner Twilight fangirls.
@Karana:Remember the best and most satisfying relationship is already available: A unicorn!
Well, I would expect a unicorn stallion to be anatomically similar to a regular horse.
@#1237824:"That's great and all, but last time I checked, you can't have sex with Jesus."
So he claims:
image
But the evidence suggests otherwise:
image image
OK, I really just feel sorry for this person, sitting on the couch eating Cheetos and watching Fox "news" or some huckster preacher, halucinating that a ripped, blue-eyed Jesus is lying on top of her (I assume it's a her) fat, flabby body.
Jesus has a warm, wet pussy and a set of titties for me?
Oh wait, a girl wrote this. Why would I want intimacy from a man, thats so gay.
..not that Im against gay people. If Jesus likes gay stuff, then by all means let him have at it. Let Jesus know I dont partake, so he will not hit on me... I dont like that stuff.
Later in the thread:
"Yeah I'm single too. I have dated this one guy. He was the first guy who ever liked me and the first guy I ever dated. We broke up because we weren't as compatible as we though. (plus he was a non-believer). I know, pretty stupid of me to date a non-believer, but I never had attracted a guy before. I know I'm not ready for marriage anytime soon, but I wish for prayer to find the right guy when the time comes. "
Yeah, not much of an all powerful deity when you have to say things like "but I wish for prayer to find the right guy when the time comes." Thats like saying "Soon I may find myself in a tough situation" and then consider that person who said that to be a prophet.
@Zemik
"Does that mean he's gay?"
Like I say, he did hang around with twelve men, two of whom were sailors.
'Tom of Finland', and all that jazz eh, Acts 5:41? So far in that closet you're almost in Narnia, eh?! One doesn't need to be Freud to figure you out, Actypoos. Two Words: Ted Faggard:
image
Just sayin'.
(*Goes off, whistling "In The Navy" by The Village People *)
X3
Reminds me of "The Children of God"/"the Family of Love"/"the Family"/"The Family International" (they have changed their name a couple of times)
They encouraged their members to imagine Jesus during sex or masturbation (imagine him as their partner), men was also told to imagine them-self as women to avoid homosexuality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_International#Loving_Jesus
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
To post a comment, you'll need to Sign in or Register . Making an account also allows you to claim credit for submitting quotes, and to vote on quotes and comments. You don't even need to give us your email address.
