I tried, I really did. But masturbating to Jesus and church just didn't work. Now I'm chafed and can't masturbate to ANYTHING for the next few days.
Or did you intend for this? Clever...
8/31/2005 8:01:56 PM
Y'know, I'm blanking on the bible verse where god said masturbation was OK, but that it is wrong to masturbate to porn.
9/2/2005 2:09:02 AM
Oh Come Quickly, Lord.
10/4/2005 3:06:16 PM
NonHomogenized: I think it goes something like \"And when thou toucheth thyself, look not upon thy neighbour's wife or daughter with lust. For when thou doest so, thou art dishonouring thy Heavenly Father's creation. Thou shouldst thinketh only of thy Heavenly Father's form - the bulging and rippling muscles of Him who crafted the Earth in 6 days, after which He peeled off his soiled clothes to rest on the 7th day, lathering up His body 'neath a great waterfall...\"
In all seriousness though, I have a hard time beleiving that even the horniest Christian would think it's OK to wank to Jesus...
1/3/2006 6:05:40 AM
NonHomogenized: I think the argument is that it is wrong to look at porn because it is looking at a woman lustfully. The bible says that this is adultery of the heart \"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.\" (Matt. 5:28).
Since it does not say masturbation is wrong (Onan's sin was disobeying God not masturbation) masturbation without porn would be ok.
You could argue that if you are not in a relationship then you cannot commit adultery. This would seem consistent with the attitudes of the time and meaning of the word in the bible if we are talking about men. Women were treated differently and it was still considered adultery if they had sex outside of marriage but then the verse quoted above doesn't seem to apply to them.
1/26/2006 10:48:28 PM
I'm jerking off right now.
12/20/2006 10:35:50 AM
I miss the days when I could...ah screw it. This post would be to easy to mock.
12/20/2006 4:36:37 PM
Fulfill His glory? Is that some new euphemism you kids have come up with?
12/20/2006 8:44:32 PM
I think that Dale just subconsciously admitted he was gay if he can shoot one off to Jesus...
1/28/2007 5:57:33 AM
So, when I was a single uncommitted woman, I'd have gotten a free pass from Gawd as long as the object of my autoerotic fantasies was Jesus?
Okay. Jesus was actually pretty hot. He lived down the block and managed the local Mexican restaurant.
1/28/2007 6:16:39 AM
1/28/2007 6:33:25 AM
Dammit, I really hope my keyboard likes Merlot.
1/28/2007 6:35:21 AM
What if you masturbate to nude pictures of your own wife? Would that be ok?
1/28/2007 7:37:16 AM
The irony here is astounding. It's evil to be gay but it's all right to whack off thinking about men? This guy is demented.
1/28/2007 11:54:29 AM
Why must everything involve God? Masturbation hurts no one; and provided the porn being watched doesn't involve kids, that's no big deal either.
Sometimes masturbation is just masturbation.
1/28/2007 1:40:51 PM
Gives new meaning to the phrase 'flogging the bishop'.
1/28/2007 2:10:32 PM
Wanking for god? HA!
1/29/2007 12:41:25 AM
I can't masturbate to God knowing that everyone thinks it's a guy.
Now, where they had Athena and Freya... That was a good idea. Or Angelina Jolie.
11/28/2007 3:45:37 PM
Hawker H. - Hey, have you seen the issue of Playboy Magazine for married men?
Every page is the same.
12/15/2007 8:47:35 PM
jerking for jebus award?
8/15/2008 12:59:36 PM
you did think quite a lot about masturbation, didn't you? Perhaps you should also evaluate the service mentioned in this article: http://www.fstdt.com/fundies/comments.aspx?q=44822 Oh, and did I spot a homosexual inuendo in fapping while "setting your mind to fulfill His glory"? Yeah, I thought so. If everything else fails, even fapping for jebus, just fuck yourself.
Why do they even try to regulate masturbation? Can anybody here explain this to me? It's not harming you (only if you do it wrong...) So why set rules for it or demand to think about God while wanking.
God is hung,
make him proud,
when you come,
cry out loud.
Fulfill his glory,
you are just horny.
8/15/2008 1:41:31 PM
As long as you are...setting your mind to fulfill His glory...
No, no, no. Just, no.
8/15/2008 1:59:00 PM
Tormentor of Religion
So we should jack it to god instead of chicks? No fucking way.
3/23/2009 11:19:23 AM
Masturbating for Jesus?
11/17/2010 3:58:16 PM
I tried masturbating to thoughts and icons and images of Jesus...I'm not allowed in that church anymore.
1/6/2011 8:15:39 PM