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1. Yes. I chose them by plotting all their menstrual periods on a calendar and choosing women whose periods don't coincide, so I'll always have the chance of sex with at least two of them whenever I feel like it.
2. Yes (it was £280000 actually). I'm planning a trip to Mars. I won't need shoes because it's nice, warm, and sandy like a beach.
3. Of course. The carrots weren't generating enough profit. And beer tases bitter.
4. Yes. Hint - don't combine the two, because you will survive your bombing mission and have to go into hiding. Now I can only go shopping at night.
5. Ah... you've got me now. I use Andrex toilet paper with Aloe Vera and I, er... quite like bacon.
So maybe I'm not a muslim after all. Sorry.
8/27/2010 4:13:45 AM
Did iddums forget to take his Prozac today?
8/27/2010 4:35:00 AM
You are a gigantic asshat.
8/27/2010 4:35:53 AM
I went to college and worked with those of Islamic faith and they are nothing like you have described. Perhaps you should get to know one; then maybe you'll realize they are human beings.
8/27/2010 5:19:52 AM
Percy Q. Shunn
Aww, simon thinks he's clever! How cute.
8/27/2010 5:43:45 AM
COULD YOU BE A CHRISTIAN???? Take this simple test to find out. 1. Can you say 'Do you want fries with that?' but you are unable to understand that the big bang is not biology? 2. Do you think abortion is muder but support the death penalty? 3. Do you think terrorists hate us for our freedoms and sodomites shouldn't have rights? 4. Do you own a V-8 pickup truck but think the laws of thermodynamics make evolution impossible? 5. Do you own a V-8 pickup truck powered by middle eastern oil but think Prius-driving liberal pussies are soft on terrorists?
8/27/2010 5:47:44 AM
Is there a person on the planet who could actually answer yes to any of these questions?
8/27/2010 5:49:34 AM
1. Most married muslims across the planet are in monogamous relationships.
2. I have a PS3 on which i play FPSs, some of which let me blow shit up with rocket launchers.
3. What's wrong with heroin? Personally I prefer trippy stuff like weed, LSD & shrooms, but to each his own.
5. One uses water and your left hand to clean the anal area after defecating to make sure there aren't any traces of fecal matter left. Then one uses water to wash hands (preferably with soap, we're not savages darling).
You probably just wipe up with a piece of toilet paper that actually doesn't get you as clean as our way of doing it. You probably leave skid marks everywhere.
Also there's less chafing involved.
8/27/2010 6:01:15 AM
I wipe my butt with bacon so I guess I'm no true Muslim.
8/27/2010 6:29:37 AM
Oh shit, I'm a Muslim.
8/27/2010 6:40:25 AM
COULD YOU BE A CHRISTIAN??? Take this simple test to find out. 1. Are you against gay marriage because it weakens traditional marriage, but you have 4 ex-wives? 2. Do you own numerous shotguns, rifles, and handguns even though Jesus preached peace? 3. Do you download porn but have a moral objection to others having sex without consequence? 4. Do you think holy texts come in two styles, the Bible and false religious texts? 5. Do you hate the theory of evolution because you're afraid you won't evolve into a human being?
8/27/2010 6:44:49 AM
Every once in a while I get this in an email from my more retarded acquaintances.
I usually fire it back to them with a variant based on Christian stereotypes.
I never hear back from them after that.
8/27/2010 7:18:07 AM
1. Well, I'm toothless, so I guess that's pretty easy, actually.
2. Hey, the dude handed me the rocket and walked off, I paid nothing for my freaking sweet rocket launcher! And I hate shoes. They pinch my toes and make my feet all stinky and sweaty.
3. Come on, the party is so much better with the heroin. Beer is an affront to my senses.
4. Of course. I'm always up on the best styles! I think I look pretty spiffy.
5. Funny you should mention it, I've decided to start using bacon as my toilet paper instead. I figure it isn't going to get used otherwise. The other Muslims have started shunning me for it, its quite depressing.
8/27/2010 7:23:03 AM
What do any of these things have to do with being a muslim?
Lets see how a muslim stacks up here.. My neighbor Faraj
1) One wife, thirty two teeth, still a muslim
2) Owns a pickup truck, carpentry tools, and furniture... and can afford shoes. still a muslim
3) Does not cultivate heroin.. builds houses. Has no objection to beer. still a muslim
4) Thinks vests come in MANY styles. Long, Edwardian short, Zoot short, Tuxedo short, Cut-off, etc etc... Does not elieve that "suicide" is a style of vest. Considers it an ACTION. And till a devout muslim
5) Tends to keep arse clean and sweat free. Lives in an era when toilet paper exists.
Still a muslim.
8/27/2010 7:23:59 AM
"COULD YOU BE A MUSLIM??? Take this simple test to find out.
1. Do you have more wives than teeth?"
I'm unmarried, but have a girlfriend. I guess that's me out then. Obama is married to Michelle. And only
"2. Do you own a £250000 rocket launcher but can't afford shoes ?"
No. I get my shoes from army surplus shops (RAF issue officers' shoes. £4 a pair, and damn near indestructible!) Obama has ICBM silos all over the US, as well as Cruise Missiles & SLBMs. And yes, he can (pun may or may not be intended)
"3.Do you cultivate Heroin but have a moral objection to beer ?"
Never touched drugs meself. Neither has Obama, to my knowledge. But, like me, he does like an occasional beer:
^Fucks up your 'Obama is a Secret Muslim' conspiracy theory much eh, fundies, neocons & teabaggers, hmmmmm?!
[/smug & superior]
"4. Do you think vest come in two styles? buillet-proof & suicide?"
String. And those worn by Bruce Willis whilst taking down terrorists. [/Die Hard]
"And most significantly 5. Do you scrape the shit off your sweaty arse with your bare hand"
Like you & your ilk? No, I just use bog paper (or the Bibles I have at hand when I run out of such; mmmm-hmmm, the paper used in Bibles is soooo absorbent!). I bet you've never even heard of the 'Three Seashells', Simon! [/Demolition Man]
"but consider bacon unclean?!"
I loves me a bacon sarnie! The ultimate treat for we carnivores, non-fundie Christians (such as Obama) and Atheists. You & your ilk just fuck pigs.
8/27/2010 7:37:12 AM
Aren't you the funny person. Have a little racism deep down? ftr, Muslims take great care in cleanliness. They were doing this when the western world thought taking a bath once a month was overdoing it. Could you be any more ignorant?. Go read something.
8/27/2010 7:48:37 AM
Interesting that this little "quiz" pops up on that Facebook page. For those not familiar with it, this little gem was regularly featured on the BNP Youth page. I think it shows pretty well the people that are against the Cordoba House.
I dont think this person has ever heard of soap. I personally am a huge fan of antibacterial handwash in the toilet. But then again, the BNP would not know that it was a Muslim who introduced soap and shampoo to Britain.... Imagine that
8/27/2010 8:04:49 AM
What is so funny is this person's christian ancestors were refusing to bathe in the dark ages when muslims did bathe. Muslims during the crusades thought christians were absolutely filthy and disgusting (which, of course, they were).
@ Terrylong - LOL
8/27/2010 9:10:30 AM
COULD YOU BE A MUSLIM??? Take this simple test to find out. 1. Have you recited the Shahada, and belived in it? You are a muslim!
8/27/2010 9:40:58 AM
Clearly I'm not a Muslim. I would be, but with the price of shoes these days who can afford a rocket launcher?
8/27/2010 9:51:44 AM
I wonder how badly his head will explode when he realizes paper has only recently become a cheap commodity and is still too expensive to use for disposable cleaning in many parts of the world.
8/27/2010 10:01:45 AM
1) It isn't just Muslims who are polygamous. And many Muslims are in monogamous relationships. There are Christian sects which practiced polygamy and some Pagan sects too. Consenting adults are fun :D
2) In summer I prefer to be barefoot. In winter I love shoes
3)I don't do any drugs nor alcohol. And when I did drink I preferred whiskey and vodka
4) I prefer fetish wear and I don't wear vests.
5) Bacon is damn good motherfucker
8/27/2010 10:27:10 AM
hate to tell you @Whatever, but when women live in close prooximity their cycles tend to synchronise.
Make the most of the first six months or so!
8/27/2010 10:43:33 AM
My uncle is a Muslim, but his answer to all of these would be no.
8/27/2010 10:56:42 AM
COULD YOU BE MENTALLY RETARDED??? Well, probably.
8/27/2010 11:36:24 AM
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